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africa69's Blog


Am I missing something?

I often wonder why God gave me such a big heart, I mean why give it to me just to surround me with people who don't seem to care. I was supposed to be cooking for thanks giving and inviting my friends but now I don't think I want to anymore because they never invite me anywhere...ever! I always find myself doing nice things for people and helping them anyway I can but no one ever does this for me. sometimes I feel so fucking invisible. My dad doesnt even tell me he loves me. If I tell him over the phone he mumbles it back and if I tell him in a text or email he wont txt it back at all.
Even my boyfriend doesnt do nice things for me. I would love to see how it feels to get a really cool gift wrapped in  beautiful gift wrap with a big shiny bow...I have NEVER gotten this before even as a child....not gifts, no bday parties, no christmas gifts to open or even a tree. ive only unwrapped a gift once in my entire lifr and it was poorly wrapped. i don't understand people, they say they care but actions speak volumes. So because I wonder why do I have such a big heart and no one else i know does. Not saying that they are bead people because they arent..they are very nice people just dont go out of their way to let me know they care and this make me very sad and depressed when i think about it. Am I not worth a card ora birthday gift. I cant remember the last time I got  birthday gift. my dad gave me a walmart gift card last year and before that he gave me a gift bag full of giant size chocolate bars and the same thing the year before that..candy bars and a pair of house shoes. he gives me gifts that he puts no thought whats so ever into, so that shows me how much i'm cared about but I guess his bday gifts are better than nothing because before he came into my life i wasnt getting anything, shit last year i didnt even get a phone call from anyone to tell me happy bday. i hate my bday, i hate  christmas, i hate thanks giving, i hate it ALL!!!!!

So childish.

Ok so last night i'm on the phone with one of my closest girl friends and we were just takling and laughing hysterically my boyfriend comes in and says "I want to spend time with you" so I just ignore him because he never asks to spend time with me...never! After a few minutes he peels out of the drive way and comes back a few minutes later (he always peels out when he gets mad or wants attention) so I just continue talking to my friend and ignore him completely. He is the most childish  guy i've ever been with, its funny how insecure and immature men can be.

Followed through with his bday plans

and i was glad we did because we had such a gr8 time. we had breakfast at IHOP then we went to the Sybaris and had such a gr8 time there. the room had a heated pool, jacuzzi, bed w/ lights underneath and on top and mirror on top. steam room, massage chair and so much more. I didnt want to leave!! then we went to see the Blueman group which was also gr8...much better than I expected! and we ended with a late dinner. we were so exhausted at the end of the night and I'm so glad i carried on with the plans.  

Followed through with his bday plans

and i was glad we did because we had such a gr8 time. we had breakfast at IHOP then we went to the Sybaris and had such a gr8 time there. the room had a heated pool, jacuzzi, bed w/ lights underneath and on top and mirror on top. steam room, massage chair and so much more. I didnt want to leave!! then we went to see the Blueman group which was also gr8...much better than I expected! and we ended with a late dinner. we were so exhausted at the end of the night and I'm so glad i carried on with the plans.  

how can you....

how can you say you love someone but you never show them? I mean it takes no effort to go into a flower shop (or your local walmart if thats all your money can buy) and get some fowers for your girl. I just don't understand how some people can want to be in a serious relationship but have no ideahow to do it. It's common sense. If someone is always doing something for you then you return the favor or i you claim to love someone you show them....right? I dont think i'm being irrational or crazy. I have told him numerous times that I need him to do this for me because telling me he loves me just isnt enough, anyone can say that but when someone puts thought into doing something for me it makes me feel special and even more loved, am I wrong for wanting him to make me feel special?

My boyfriend can be such an a** hole

Tomorrow is his birthday and I have planned a really nice day for just the two of us. breakfast then a few hours at the Sybaris, then Blueman group and then dinner at a nice steak house or something. Today my bf called me crazy, he always calls me crazy and i've asked him not to do that because it hurts my feelings. He knows i'm sensitive about my mental health. I admit that i do suffer from depression but i have it under control. On top of always calling me crazy he doesnt do anything to make me feel special....ever! So now I dont feel like doing anything for him, maybe I should just give him a card and a cake like he did for me on my bday. Well, actually it was the day AFTER my bday! I'm tired of trying to make him feel special and wanted and loved.

If he loves me so much...

then why doesnt he do anthing to make me feel special? I do tons of stuff for him...well, I used to. I had to step back because I was the only one in our relationship putting forth an effort. He only gave me flowers 2 or 3 times and thats only because I asked for them. He has never taken me to  really nice resturant. I mean we go to chili's or apple bees but no place really nice. I used to make him breakfast in bed, lay out his clothes for work, give him little cute notes but I had to stop all that because he wasnt doing anything to make me feel special. I dont even want to have sex with him. Dont get me wrong I do enjoy it but he doesnt really do anything to deserve it. He has alot of good qualities and he's a good guy but has no idea how to be a in a relationship!!! I've told him over and over again how I feel about this, we've even been to counseling but he still hasn't changed. I can feel myself getting bitter towards him.

Before work fun

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dating site

Today I found a dating site on my laptop. I know I wasn't on any dating site so that only leaves one person...my boyfriend, which I noticed he was on a dating site a few months ago and when I confronted him he made an excuse. So I won't say anything this time. I'm just going to sit back and watch.

ouch it hurts so bad!

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my alter ego...i guess

on ep i can REALLY express myself however i want. i can tell things about myself without fear of ridicule or judgement. saying exactly whats on my mind is going to be refreshing and uplifting, i'm glad i found this site.

1-9 of 9 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Am I missing something?, posted November 19th, 2012
So childish., posted November 13th, 2012
Followed through with his bday plans, posted November 12th, 2012
Followed through with his bday plans, posted November 12th, 2012
how can you...., posted November 9th, 2012
My boyfriend can be such an a** hole, posted November 9th, 2012, 1 comment
If he loves me so much..., posted November 8th, 2012
Before work fun, posted November 4th, 2012
dating site, posted October 31st, 2012
ouch it hurts so bad!, posted October 30th, 2012
my alter ego...i guess, posted October 24th, 2012

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